Stuff about me

It’s been a while and I’ve dropped the ball a bit.  Started drinking again and I’ve only made it to the gym a couple of times since.

Last Friday week I went out and caught have with some geeky friends, some I’d met before and some I’d only connected with online.  Later that evening I met another couple of friends I’d previously only connected with online.  I’m usually very shy and reserved until I get to know/trust people.  Was on an amazing high following that.

The next day I had a couple of setbacks that, upon reflection weren’t life changing, but left me feeling a bit down.  A third setback sent me plummeting into a depressive state. (at the time I thought that was the cause)

That lasted a few days and all I could really face was wine, being online and listening to a lot of music.  Dealing (poorly upon reflection) with stuff the only way I knew how to.  I was kinda blown away by how down I was feeling.  I made some phone calls to friends and family and that helped a bit.  I was speaking to one of my ex’s and mentioned that I’d had thoughts of suicide.  Not of committing suicide, more just that I’d observed that the word had popped into my mind a few times lately.  She suggested I see a doctor, which I agreed to.  She then insisted she pick me up and take me to the doctor.  Considering some of the circumstances it felt a little weird that my ex was so insistent on helping.  Somewhere in amongst those few days I called Mensline - 1300 789 978 and chatted for a while.  That helped, at that point in time, I recommend using them or similar if you find yourself in a dark place.  During the conversation he mentioned CBT. I found that interesting.

Receptionist at surgery said that the earliest they could get me in was much later that afternoon.  Ex said that I had suicidal thoughts (again I think that that was a miscommunication on my behalf) and they managed to get me into see a doctor within a few minutes.  I’m not sure that the consultation was super helpful.  It did give me some perspective (why did I feel so down over third setback, which up until that point I thought was the main reason I was feeling down) and it illustrated that someone cared enough for me to go out of their way (ex taking me to doctor, which following a couple of emails back and forth led to an amusing misconception on both our parts about me and her reconnecting.  That isn’t/wasn’t the intention so I phoned when I read her email to explain rather than risking further mixups with a reply email).  Doctor also suggested that I go to work for the next couple of days (thur/fri) despite not being rostered on because being at work might give me some structure that may be helpful.

In a twist going to work did help but it wasn’t the structure.  I had a chat with a few people at work, including someone high up in the organisation.  I didn’t think he’d not be supportive but was touched at just how supportive he was.  He orchestrated that I could avoid some of the more stressful aspects of my role, which I really appreciated.  Later he offered to call my Doctor to see if some feedback from someone that has known me for a number of years might give the doctor useful background.  I was fine with that.  He also organised to have a work sponsored councillor call me the next day.

Friday started really positively and I was in a really good mood for the first time in a while.  I had a spring in my step as I was preparing for work and then somewhere between leaving the apartment and getting to the ATM I plummeted again.  I’m still not sure what caused that.  It felt like the darkest place I’ve been to (and hopefully that day stays as the darkest).   I downloaded a song that I thought was relevant to what my head was currently doing and left it on repeat all the way to work. For those of you playing at home, self diagnosis is a FAIL.

Chatted to councillor over the phone that morning who convinced me my self diagnosis was off the mark despite the song but mainly due to a couple of symptoms I described.  She suggested I have a face to face meeting with a councilor that day rather than waiting until Monday evening’s visit to the doctor.  I agreed and talked things over with the councilor later that afternoon.  She gave me some really helpful tips on how to deal with stuff the next time I feel down.  These included lifestyle changes like managing my alcohol intake ( in my case that means stop drinking altogether), exercise and improved diet.  Other tips included when I’m feeling down next get out and go for a walk in the sun and to make use of helplines; And if that means calling several of them in row than do so.

Councilor has suggested that what I’m probably suffering from is clinical depression and I should mention that to doctor next visit so she can confirm/deny that.  Apparently there are a string of tests (I think oral, not sure) that she’ll give me and based on the outcome can refer me to a counseling service that specialises in clinical depression.  On top of that armed with the referral (I gather as opposed to just going to the counseling service without the referral) I’d be able to claim a significant amount of the cost back on Medicare.  She also commented that although I managed to stay sober for three months it would be a good idea to seek ongoing support to manage that on a long term basis.

I felt more positive after that and decided to start working on getting better now.  I walked home from the councilor’s (about 8km I think) getting some Nando’s (yum, takes a while for the food to be handed over and a little expensive, but yum!!) and bought some multivitamins (help tide my diet deficiency until I sort that out).  I also opted to not go to the after drinks farewell that was organised to see off some friends from work.  I think not going to the pub based event was wise but have some regret about missing the farewell.  I think most of those that are leaving I’m in touch with over a variety of web 2.0 mediums so it’s not like I won’t see/read them again.

Last night I stayed sober despite, probably recklessly, leaving an unfinished cask of wine and a wine glass mere centimetres from my keyboard.  I did some reading on CBT including an interesting article - Cognitive Therapy for Depression.  I was also having a nice time chatting to a friend, than I fucked up; And I’m being deliberately vague (more vague than usual (you’ve got bigger problems if you haven’t guessed my name, other peoples identities are not relevant to this site).  I made a joke about myself to her that contained a comment that was relevant to my joke but taken out of context could be seen as insensitive.  I was taken out of context.  Despite several apologies, because it was instantly obvious how inappropriate my comment was, I’ve yet to hear/read from her again.  That was at around 10pm (ish) last night.  I went through an odd series of emotions and I think I managed it (the emotions) fairly well.  Naturally I was (still am) upset at the thought that I’ve hurt someone I’m fond of.  I buried myself in reading, and re-reading, articles on CBT as well as some research relating to the insensitive comment to get some perspective on that.

At about that time I noticed that the chemicals dancing in my brain had been relatively well behaved for around eight hours.  Probably the most stable they’d been (while I was awake) for a week.  I stayed up for several hours hoping to get a response from her and as touched on earlier that hasn’t happened.  Without a doubt I feel upset at the situation but certainly nothing in the ballpark of feeling down like I’ve done over the last week.  In a strange way I think that that is a positive thing.  It’s almost nice to be feeling a little down knowing full well that there is so much further down I could be feeling based on recent times.

For those of you playing at home be sure to manage your musical playlist when you’re fragile.  Ben Fold’s Brick has just come on.  This one makes my eyes well at the best of times.  Gonna let it play anyway.

What’s next?  Despite the lethargy the aim is to shower and get myself to the gym for a while.  Get some of the feel good chemical things rocking. Probably should eat too; Should read up more of the effects of diet and the brain, I suspect that’s something I’ve been reckless with.

To my friend, I doubt you’ll ever see this article/site.  I originally created it for a councillor as a way to explore why I drink.  It ended up becoming a bit of a diary/log/blog of life.  If you do happen across it one day please know it was never my intention to hurt you.  I’m very fond of you, as a friend, and if my comments have resulted in us never talking again I will miss you dearly.

I’m 39, living alone and Iron Maiden is playing loudly on iTunes. I am employed and live in metropolitan Victoria.

I went to the doctors a little over six weeks ago and was advised, again, that I should give up drinking.  He suggested I shouldn’t give up ‘cold turkey’ and referred me to another doctor the following Monday.  I reduced the amount I was drinking between the two doctor’s appointments.  The insomnia was a bastard.  Over a period of around 56 hours I managed to get about two hours sleep.  I was hallucinating, paranoid and a little scared.

I went to see the next doctor and we discussed reasons for giving up drinking.  I think one of the prime reasons is around as my children grow up.  I have four kids from two separate marriages.  The younger two live locally and the older two live in Perth.  Along with that I was hoping to lose some weight and generally get healthier.  Next step is to give up smoking but one step at a time.

He said that the typical reasons for people giving up drinking were harassment from their spouse, employer or Police/Court.  My wife (at the time) asked me to give up drinking a couple of years ago.  I made an attempt.  For about 30 days I mostly didn’t drink.  On three occasions I did drink.  For me it came out of the blue but shortly after she suggested we have a trial separation.  I saw no point in not drinking then and picked up where I left off.  At this time I was still living in Perth.

Shortly after this my employer was acquired by a larger company and later that year the opportunity to relocate to Victoria was offered and I accepted it.  I figured I could fly back to see the kids from time to time and keep up with them via snail mail/email/phone calls etc as well.  In a strange twist the later of the two ex wives, and the youngest two children, moved to Melbourne to be closer to her direct family.  This felt odd at first but it meant that I could see the youngest two children more frequently.  Shortly after they arrived we organized for me to have custody of the children every Saturday.  That’s currently not the case, Liz feels, and probably rightly so, that my mental stability may not be great for a little while.  The timing of me giving up drinking and discussions regarding custody  came at an awkward time for reasons beyond both of us.

Several weeks earlier a man around my age working in a field similar to mine threw his daughter off the Westgate bridge in Melbourne.  Apparently he as was having issues at work.  For what it’s worth, at that time I was enjoying my job.  I think I still am but my current medication is making me a little moody and from time to time it gives me the shits.

Hopefully the regular custody can resume again soon but right now I need to sort my shit out.

I pondered moderating my drinking in the past and that didn’t work for me.  I’d considered only drinking every second day, or not on week days, or not on days that were followed by a work day.  In each case I made an excuse to drink daily.  According to one of the doctors if I didn’t give up drinking I’d need a liver transplant within five - 10 years.  That’s a bit shit.

He prescribed me Valium to help me reduce daily stresses and to sleep at night.  He also prescribed me Campral.  We talked about drinking and it’s damages to my body for a little while before the session ended and he told me to make an appointment for next week.  The next week I got another prescription for Valium, we talked some more.  He told me to try and make the Valium last two weeks and come back and see him again then.

The Valium didn’t last two weeks. On the day that would have been my 21st alcohol free day I was out of Valium and talked myself into having a drink.  A bottle of Jack Daniel’s later, and the next morning, I called in sick and told my boss I’d be seeking a different doctor because I thought I needed more then the occasional visit to a doctor and some drugs.  My boss was very supportive.

I went to another doctor who gave me a prescription for more Valium and referred me to a Doctor who is a specialist physician in addiction medicine.  Additionally my employer has an agreement with a company that offers counseling and we get the first three visits for free.  Turns out it’s the first six visits but I digress.  This was the counselor that  suggested I keep a diary detailing how much alcohol I was planning on drinking that day, what medications I was planning on taking and what my goal for the day was.  At the end of the day I’d then enter the actual alcohol/medical consumption and whether or not I met my goal.  She was also the same counsellor that suggested the idea of the brain dump of my teens, 20’s and 30’s to help find a pattern behind why I was drinking.

Today is three weeks since Jack Daniel’s day.  So far this attempt at not drinking has lasted six weeks with one let down.  Off to the laundry, boring housework must go on.