Stuff about me

It’s getting late; I’m drunk; And I’m probably abusing good grammar.  I’m four cans of Bulleit n cola and most of a bottle of wine into the evening.  It’s almost midnight and I still haven’t eaten tonight.

Why am I writing this?  Not sure, hoping it’s cathartic.

Pearl Jam is playing on iTunes.  Microwave is beeping to tell me that pie is ready.  Jeremy spoke in class today.  That song resonates and I haven’t quite put my finger on why.

I think I’m scared of affection.  Kinda, sort of.  I love the idea of being loved.  I worry that I make more out of affection than was intended.  I think I fall in love too easily and I ponder if that’s because I was brought up in a male dominant household and went to a ‘male only’ high school.

I have a deep desire to connect with someone.  I have a fear that I’ll fall in love again.  These strike me as conflicting fears.  I like the idea of falling in love; Nay I rock the idea of falling in love.  Maybe the fear is that love isn’t always forever.

I still love my ex wives but not in the way that originally bound us together.  I think there is a small part of me that still loves earlier girlfriends but to a lesser degree.  Maybe it’s just cherishing the time we spent together, not sure.

I think I’m highly self critical.  Probably too critical.  Thoughts hark back to falling in love too easily.

I think I’d like to be a song writer.  I’d love to be able to spark the passion in people that the likes of Eddie Vedder, Kurt Cobain and Don Walker do on me.

I got memories, I got shit.

Bottle of wine is finished, pie is being consumed.  Nirvana time I think.

Nevermind is on iTunes now.  A little while back I had thought about suicide.  The thoughts weren’t about me committing suicide, more of the concept of suicide had entered my mind.  Granted I was in a pretty dark place but I wasn’t *suicidal*.  Long story and end result saw several people reaching out and helping me.  I was touched by their efforts.

I’m not in that dark place anymore.  I struggle to imagine how/why I fell there.  I’m not super happy with my life at the moment but I am content.  The dark days of a month of so ago seem like a lifetime away and almost as if they happened to someone else.

Light my candles in a daze ’cause I see God.

I think in Kurt Cobain’s suicide helped me it a sort of twisted way.  To my knowledge I’ve never had anyone close to me suicide. Prior to his suicide I’d not been a big fan of Nirvana.  Post his suicide I’m a massive fan. Late to the party.  I assume I’d heard “Smell’s like teen spirit” prior to his death but it was the unplugged version of “About a girl” that won me over.

“About a girl” - MTV Unplugged: Nirvana Unplugged In New York now playing.  I get the sense that there’s heartbreak over a girl that’s described in the song.  I still struggle to comprehend the degree of whatever the fuck it was that led him to suiciding.  I am loathe to dismiss it as purely drug related.

In an odd juxtaposition I both hate and thank Kurt Cobain for his suicide.  He felt a level of pain that I have no understanding of. He dealt with that his own way. In doing so it both opened me to Nirvana and demonstrated to me that suicide is a cheap way out.  Kurt Cobain was a gifted man but his exit was far from glamourous.  I’m not seeking a glamourous exit; I’m also not seeking a shotgun exit.